It's been two years, my goodness. So much life has happened. So much life is happening. I took some time off from sharing in order to navigate a few personal storms privately. What I'm most proud of is the growth that has transpired since my last blog post. With dips and life shifts -I've grown into a much more settled version of myself. I've always leaned into me, but uncertainty and insecurity lingered close behind. I used to have a lot of thoughts of, "Am I doing enough?" "Am I growing enough?" "Am I doing it the 'right' way (for me)?" Looking back, part of me winces and scrunches my nose and at my sheer vulnerability and openness about my experiences. The other part simply sees the version of myself who is willing to share my soft and sticky parts with the collective as way of connecting to my community.
I appreciate you all for reading, thank you for seeing me. It means a lot to be seen.

I am presently living my best, most healed, most regulated life. Los Angeles is where I feel most at home and the city suits me well. My weeks fluctuate. Some mornings I’m at work by 5:30am as a city lifeguard and home before traffic decides to get too bad. Other days I’m up just as early, handing out craft supplies and reading stories to pre-schoolers in summer day camp. Midday I get to take care of my apartment, feed myself, read and nap or yap to my family/friends on the phone via voice notes, FaceTime or social media. Whether or not I’ve caught my second wind after my midday wind-down, I’m busting a sweat and kicking ass teaching cycling classes twice a week. I also teach swimming lessons and work a monthly dating app event. In between, I write often, read as much as I can, frequent queer events and perform at open mics.

I mostly get paid to live my life and it's a really great feeling. Don't get it twisted, I still live in Los Angeles. I just live well within my means. I value experiences and how I feel in my body a great deal. There were times I made more money but felt drained and worn out. I don't love reluctantly turning off my morning alarm or trudging through traffic to get to work. So, I make sure the jobs I go to bring me some type of peace, joy and fulfillment.
I happily sit on tower as a lifeguard, craning my neck side to side. I scan the pool and listen to the splash gliding of morning swimmers through the cool water. Sunrise over the city from a rooftop in West Hollywood is a gift. When I first moved to Los Angeles eleven years ago, sunsets from the Santa Monica Pier were my daily treat. The nightfall ombre across the sky were a reminder of why I moved here. Now, still near water and enjoying nature’s paint splatters across the sky, I am grateful for the gift of living in this city.

Teaching little ones swim basics has to be the most fulfilling part of my weeks. Being trusted to teach such an important life skill is a great accomplishment for me. Some kids start off on the steps not feeling comfortable away from mom or dad at all. Then before you know it, they're asking me to push on their backs to help them get to the bottom of the pool to retrieve toys. Seeing their parent’s eyes light up when they see the little humans they created being fearless and safe is a great joy to experience. I also get to swim a lot, which is always a win for me.
A few months out of the year, I get to hang out with the coolest cat/dog duo in the world. It's a great privilege to be trusted with folks' most precious things. Whether it be caring for peoples’ children or animals or homes, I am thankful to be trusted with the responsibility.

I am super proud of the life I have curated for myself. It feels wonderful when I feel a lot of momentum in my dream-chasing. And then, life does this thing where it tests your gangsta a little bit. How tough are you really? How grounded? How well have you learned to manage your stress? Did you really regulate your nervous system, or did you add a distraction to avoid regulation? And whatever your response is, life says, "Bet." And ready or not, here it comes.
Death.
When elders die, no matter how expected or prepared you think you may be, nothing can prepare you for the loss of life. In the last few years, I have gotten more acquainted with grief than I ever cared to. At the top of this year, it felt like as soon as I caught my breath from my last loss…Bam. My homegirl transitions. Even in the afterlife, her sense of humor teased me at her home-going and I was able to smile to myself between sobs. We were both supposed to turn 34 this year. I still haven't quite wrapped my mind around it.


Shed a few tears reading this. You’re a beautiful writer and human. Love you!!!!
Welcome backkkk!!! I absolutely love the life you’ve created as well. Please, inspire us more.
With love,
-Gelli
Reading this made me so PROUD of you while feeling all of your emotions through your writing lens . Keep moving forward to the life that makes you HAPPY. Love you Tisha