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THIS is love.

Writer's picture: Carmalita AFCarmalita AF

For years, I have written blogs, essays and poems about my least favorite love life. I traversed parts of the globe hoping to “heal” myself into a relationship I felt good in. What I accepted romantically though, was not reflective of a desire to be loved wholeheartedly as myself. I yearned for exclusivity and rushed into title-claiming and partner-naming without truly knowing if the person was someone I was compatible with. Instead of dating and getting to know folks, I would meet people and create worlds that didn't exist outside of my delusion. I then dragged out said delusions for months until I got tired (or ghosted) and then tried again and again and again and again.

For the last seven years, I have dated more than I haven’t. I thought that my failed and flittering love life was a direct result of something I lacked.

So, I spent time doing all the things I thought single people were supposed to do until finding their person. I lived alone and slept alone and took myself on dates and trips. I said affirmations and spoke love over myself. I showed up for myself the way I wanted somone else to show up for me. In addition, I diligently tried to recover from and heal my known traumas--because obviously my trauma was what was wrong with me...right? I worked to address and reassess particular patterns in my life. Turns out, my most notable pattern was dating men.


The most important thing I learned, is that dating is how we truly get to know ourselves as well as other people. I unknowingly cos-played as a straight girl all my life while only ever dating men who liked the idea of me. It always felt like they would like me more if. All the while, I have friends who think I’m funny and caring and smart and great to hang out with. My friends LIKE me. They come to me for advice and trust me with their secrets. I knew there was a romantic someone out there who would feel the same.


My judgmental voice says, “You’d think that after years of therapy, relationship/life-coaching, and one too many situationships, you would have arrived at a healthier place sooner.” But bump all that, it takes the time it takes.


Last summer, I met someone and went the kind of slow that allowed time to tell without forcing immediate coupling titles. I didn't wonder if who/what I wanted wanted me back without them. I made the choice to let actions and not just words determine trustworthiness and compatibility. I met someone who wasn’t interested in having a girlfriend, but instead wanted a partner. I was/am thankful because, same


It felt really important to share this new budding relationship with one of the most important people in my life. My Granny.


My Granny is my girl. She is also a devout Christian with many-a-strong-opinions/beliefs about any and everything. Our differing beliefs aside, she’s always been really supportive of me. When I ended my marriage in 2017, I waited to share the information with her when she came to Cali to visit from Ohio. The conversation went like this:


Granny, you still love me?

Of course baby, what’s going on?

I have something to tell you.

You’re pregnant?!

No, why is that everyone’s first thought?! I’m actually the opposite of pregnant. I left my husband, Granny.

Well, I knew that. Baby, I always thought you were too big for him. I saw him holding you back and I think now, you’ll be able to do so much more.

Why didn’t you tell me?!

You got to live your own life baby. Granny has lived hers. What works for me, works for me. I got married cause that’s what I wanted to do. I want you to do what makes you happy.


I remember how proud she was of me on my wedding day and how highly she regards marriage. In 2017, I carried simultaneous shame around divorce being my biggest failure and my biggest relief. I was happy to find that my Granny wasn't disappointed in me at all and actually quite the opposite. I am all for living my best life in a way that feels good to me. At the same time, I still want to make my Granny proud.


I have a complicated relationship with my family. I was adopted in elementary school and was estranged from my biological family for about a decade. Because of this, I have done a lot of healing work regarding my childhood and upbringing. My Granny's role in my trauma especially. It's been challenging, but if ever there was a redemption story, my Granny is it. In my childhood, my Granny didn't have the emotional tools or resources to care for me in a way that was safe or healthy. As an adult though, she's been loving and supportive. She's also willing to listen and try her best to mend what hurt is mendable. It's all complicated and layered and the impact has been very present in my romantic patterns.

Family photo in the 90's with me in my auntie's lap, my cousin, brothers and Granny.
Family photo in the 90's with me in my auntie's lap, my cousin, brothers and Granny.

At times, I wish I could just be all cute and aestheically pleasing on the internet. There's nothing more I would love to paint than a picture of a happy, at peace 30-something year old who takes her life by storm. I am that. But I am also someone who works hard to heal systemic trauma and relational wounds. With that comes some hard, straight from the gutter truths. And the hardest truth I had to come to last year, was that the woman I so loved and adored--was also at the very root of my familial wounds. That realization made healing possible, though. For both my child and adult-selves.


Seven years ago, I was ready to tell my Granny I had left my husband but I wasn’t ready to tell her that I had more interest dating women than men. Heck, seven years ago, I was still I realizing that my straightness was learned behavior contingent upon beliefs that no longer held true for me. When I released the chokehold cis-het males had on my love life and began to actually date from my heart; I realized I was only straight because I was told that I was.


Telling my mother was easy enough. She came into her lesbianism in her 30’s as well. I just didn’t know about telling her mama. My brother, who is also gay—encouraged me that our Granny was much more supportive than I gave her credit for.


Until recently, I just wasn’t ready to be anything other than someone my Granny was super proud of. I'd heard the way she spoke about gay folks in the past. She once asked me if my brother was, “…still on the other side of midnight?” Like what does that even mean? I didn’t know, and wasn’t interested in that kind of commentary towards me. I feared our relationship would change somehow after she learned I had no plans of getting a second husband and instead was lookin' for a wife. So, for years, I have kept my love life out of conversation and avoided any of my Granny's questions about dating.

Until now.


Present day—I am happy. Better than happy, I am safe. I have spent years documenting my worst love life. Now, I am leaning into my very best one.

Here, there is patience and trust and adoration and genuine care. Without exaggeration, I have everything I have ever wanted in a partner, in a lover.

I wanted to share with my Grams how well I am being loved and taken care of. After all, she taught me how to fry chicken in college when I was chasing after some guy. Now, I fry chicken for a woman who loves and appreciates all I do.

I am happy to share that my Granny took the news better than well. There was an anti-climatic coming-out conversation that you can watch on my Youtube channel.


This is my reminder to you that you don’t have to show up as anything other than your beautiful brilliant self to be loved. You can be goofy and clumsy and messy and adored. You can be punctual and precise and driven and supported. You can be sad. Oh honey, you can be sad and snotty and anxious and jittery. You can be all of these things. You can be all the versions of yourself and be celebrated and loved in a way that makes you feel celebrated and LOVED.


Thank you for reading.



Always,

Carmalita AF

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